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CAUSE OF DEATH

Newborn Turtle Sprints Toward Inevitable Cliff

In its first hours of existence, UN TURTLE⚡ experienced what can only be described as a financial seizure—a violent 192% convulsion that would make any observer question whether this was euphoria or the death throes of a doomed creature. With 72.8% of its minuscule body controlled by a mere ten hunters, and liquidity pools shallower than a puddle in the Kalahari, this tortoise was never built for the long journey.

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