CAUSE OF DEATH
Flying Mayonnaise Jars Crash-Lands After Two Hours
And here we observe the Flying Mayonnaise Jar in its natural habitat—plummeting earthward at terminal velocity. Born merely two hours ago, this creature managed to accumulate a quarter-million dollars in trading volume before experiencing what we might charitably call 'catastrophic structural failure.' The authorities may have been revoked, but sadly, the laws of gravity were not.
CAUSE OF DEATH
Rapid decompression and inevitable gravity
EPITAPH
"It flew high, it flew far, it flew for exactly 120 minutes before becoming a cautionary condiment."